so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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