Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
