I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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