did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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