there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
