I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
