not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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