She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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