so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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