And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
