i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
