In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
