:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
