We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
