The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize