i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize