how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
