I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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