ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
