I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize