her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
