I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
