That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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