Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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