I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
