I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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