At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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