Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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