I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
