I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
