Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
