Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
