she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
