We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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