I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
