I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
