Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So squirting runs in the family.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
