Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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