Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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