Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
