i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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