I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
