hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
