Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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