new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
