They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
