why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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