Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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