Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
