The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
