Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
