no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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