Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
