I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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