there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
