dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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