I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize