Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
