I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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