if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
