The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
