What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
